I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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