im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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