She said her name was "party"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just pee around me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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