Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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