I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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