I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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