i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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