id be glad to
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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