I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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