at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
