Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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