i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
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The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?