News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Life is so much better after having sex.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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