I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
