Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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