ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
