my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
