I'm so fucking centered right now
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
