You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
