Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
