Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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