if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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