Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How external is "for external use only"?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
