sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
