I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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