you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
