Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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