Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
