I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
