apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
