Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
