he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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