if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
