Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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