i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
