Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
