You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
