I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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