God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
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She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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