i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is Oprah even human
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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