He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
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I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
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Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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