my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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