No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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