Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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