He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
