I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
