i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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