i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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