I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
