their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
