The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
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Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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