the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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