It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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