somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
