If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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