The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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