My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Those nachos came to me in a dream
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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