i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
